Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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