I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
