I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
