i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
