look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
