It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
