I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
