shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
