just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
