If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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