Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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