i don't like sucking hair
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
