I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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