I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
