I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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