I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
