when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
