he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
