you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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