Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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