I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
