When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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