I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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