Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
