??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
