youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
