just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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