haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize