Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
