I wish I could punch you in the face.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
