Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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