Plan B is the new Plan A
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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