I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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