I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize