fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
