I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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