At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Randomize
