I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
where are my eyebrows?
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