I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize