I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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