I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
