Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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