the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize