cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
