it was like his penis was on wheels.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
