AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
