I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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