Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
A+ Viking dick
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
