he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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