I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
