I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
