I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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