She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
