her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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