i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
