you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
