I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
