This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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