I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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