fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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