My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
